The Secret Blade
by JensenAcklesAngel
Summary: Sam has a dark secret he has kept from Dean for many years, and it has finally taken a toll on him. When Dean finds out, he tries to get his younger brother to open up. Warning: This story contains Self Harming and Suicidal thoughts. Proceed with caution.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by the Always Keep Fighting Campaign. I noticed how depressed Sam seem to be on Supernatural lately, and reading up on the campaign that both Jensen and Jared started I decided to write stories for the cause. Reviews are always welcomed.**

**Warning: Graphic Self-Harming, Suicidal thoughts, and mild Language. Be advised.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or the characters. I just write about them.**

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It had been days since their last case they were on. Sam's nightmares had been getting worst as time went on, Dean stepped out for some food, allowing Sam to sleep some more that one evening. He suddenly jumped awake breathing hard, rubbing his eyes with his hands trying to calm himself down. He glanced around the motel room and noticed Dean was gone. He had probably went out for some food, or something he thought to himself.

The younger brother got up from the bed and sitting on the side, Sam closed his eyes thinking about the dream, wondering if it was true. Did Dean hate him? He wondered if his dream he felt so alone and ignored, Even worst he felt rejected by his brother, he couldn't understand why he would dream that. Then he thought about the times Dean had shut him out and didn't want to open up to him if he was upset.

Sadness and depression was eating Sammy alive. he didn't fully notice it, only just the fact he had been upset with grief over Jessica's death and blaming himself. In his nightmare he was trying to reach out to Dean, he ignored him for someone else, He couldn't see who it was but Sam felt alone. The tears formed into Sam's eyes thinking to hard into what was in his head, what he saw. He didn't want Dean to hate him for leaving to collage, He felt Dean was slowly slipping away from his heart.

The pain was way to much for him, Sam went over to his bag, shuffling around in it, he pulled out one of his guns looking at it, remembering his dream what he was gonna do,What he almost ended up doing. It was what woke him up instantly, scared and distraught, He started to breath harder again when the urge from the past came back at full force. Sam put the gun back and then found a silver blade. He remember cutting his thighs couple nights after Jessica was killed, but never had told Dean.

He held the blade in his hand, watching the light gleam off it as he remembered back when he told Jessica about his depression. Jessica was his strong supporter, she helped him through his darkest hours when they were going out. After she died, He felt a large hole in his heart. He wonder how can that ever be filled again. Would Dean even understand the pain he is going through? Would Dean reject him if he knew his secret?

He inhaled a sharp ragged breath as he went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Sam couldn't fight the urge anymore. He just needed that release again. He sat on the edge of the tub holding his arm out, with his other hand he put the blade on the skin. Through out Sam's mind he kept hearing the voices 'failure, disappointment, attention-seeker' He felt that in his heart, the voices was so loud it was hurting his head, He felt he Dean hated him for some unknown reason.

Sam started to cry even more as he swiped the blade on his tender flesh of his arm, the blood was forming really deep shade of red, He cut it again near the first line and more blood was leaking. Tears came down on his cheeks, Sammy could feel the pain, but didn't care, He was leaking, the anger, the confusion, everything leaked with every drop of blood. Sam cut his arm once more watching the blood flow through.

After a few minutes Sam stopped crying long enough to see how deep his cuts were. Drops of blood fell on the title floor of the bathroom as he sighed, he put the knife on the back of the sink when he stood up holding onto the sides, blood droplets fell near the drain. Sam quickly got some toilet paper and tried to stop the blood from coming out so much, then threw them into the toilet. Sam then, gotten a towel, wrapping it around his arm to make sure the bleeding stops soon.

He walked out of the bathroom with the towel around his arm, going through his bags he found some bandages, also some tape, he took it back into the other room shutting the door, locking it again. Sam carefully placed the bandages over his cuts and using his teeth to tear the tape so he could stick it in place. After fixing himself up, Sam slid down the wall onto the bathroom floor.

He then started to cry again, from the pain in his heart and his arm, He needed that realease. The voices in his head stopped, but his heart was hurting. Just then he heard a door open outside, He knew it was Dean coming back. Sam muttered "shit" under his breath as he scrambled to get off the floor. Sam, Quickly gotten up and grabbed the towel he had used, throwing it away in the closed-lid trash can, when he heard Dean call out his name.

"Sammy! I'm back are you okay in there?"

"Yea, Uh I'll be out in a minute." Sam shouted, Dean could tell something was wrong in Sam's voice he walked over to the bathroom and noticed it was locked. The older brother knocked on the door a couple of times before speaking "Sam? Whats going on in there?"

"Dean! give me a minute will ya!" Sam opened the door, crossing his arms quickly as he formed a fake smile "Can't a guy have some kind of privacy?"

Dean rolled his eyes and noticed how pale Sam looked. "I'm just making sure you're alright bro is all." Dean walked over to the table setting the food out "I got us some food for us. Bean burrito, your favorite"

Sam gave a nervous chuckle as he sat on the bed, his arm was still crossed as he tried to hide the cuts "No, I'm not hungry right now, I can warm it up later."

Dean shrugged "Suit yourself then, Maybe after we eat we can look up another case for us what do you say?"

"Yea, sure whatever." Dean noticed how fidgety Sam was acting. He walked over and stopped at the bathroom door to speak "Are you sure you're alright Sammy?" Sam nodded and coughed in a dry tone "Yea, I'm fine Dean."

Dean nodded but knew something was up. He decided to let it go for now at least. He walked into the bathroom shutting the door. Sam stood up letting out a breath of relief. He reached into his bag looking for a shirt to hide his arm in then he realized that he had forgotten his knife. Sam was in full panic right about now when he heard Dean flushing the toilet then a clank noise a few minutes after that.

In full panic, rushed over getting his shoes on, thankfully he was wearing sweat pants and a T-shirt because he really needed to get out of there. Sam felt that the walls were closing in on him at any given minute. All the air had been let out of him, and the only thing in his mind was 'Run' Sam heard the door knob slowly turned, that was it he ran out of the motel and down the road away from the impending doom he felt.


	2. Finding Out

Hi Thank you for the wonderful reviews and followers from all my stories including this one :) It means alot to me when I hear how great I am doing. This story is very emotional and its gonna get even more so as the story grows. Next chapter, Sam confesses about his self-injury in detail.

**Warning: Self-Harm and very depressed Sam.**

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Dean finished using the toilet, when he went to wash his hands he noticed some blood on the inside of the sink. He looked down, finding some drops of blood leading towards the tub. Confusion had set in his head as older guy wondered what happened. It didn't take long to figure it out when Dean noticed the knife on the back of the sink, with blood on it. Suddenly Dean remembered how off Sam had been acting when he returned.

Realization came to his mind what transpired in the bathroom, Dean closed his eyes and opened them looking up he started to cry a bit muttering "why Sammy" He felt his heart being ripped out, knowing that Sam was doing this to himself. When Dean opened the bathroom door to confront his younger brother, he noticed Sammy was gone, and that the motel door was wide open. Panic rose into Dean's throat as he grabbed his keys, fleeing to the impala.

Sam ran down the road in the darkness, breathing hard as he ever did while running. Sam then came to a stop for a minute to catch his breath. He was shaking, crying, and fearing that Dean found out, He feared his reaction mostly. The younger brother stood in the middle of the road so lost and torn, He didn't know what to do now that Dean found out his secret. Just then he heard a familiar sound of the impala, making him look up, he noticed two headlights coming right at him that's when Sam started running again.

Dean noticed Sam was running down the road, he rolled down the window, yelling "Sam! Stop!" the younger brother didn't want to stop he kept on running until his feet gave out from under him, making Sam fall down on the gravel scraping his hands up. He got up to his knees, breathing really hard when Dean came up near him, slamming on the breaks causing it to come to a screeching halt. Sammy got back up onto his feet made a run for it when Dean was much faster. The older brother caught up with him as he grabbed the back of his shirt to stop him.

"Sammy! stop please! Why did you run like that?!" Sam fell to his knees, he burst into tears, crying harder than he had in years. Dean knelt beside him, holding his broken younger brother. Dean cupped his face in his hands, He had tears to in his eyes while speaking. "Sammy, Why did you do this?"

"You hate me! I hate me now!" Sam shouted between the sobs in his throat. He couldn't hold his emotions back any longer, neither could Dean. The older brother felt his heart breaking as he pulled Sam close to his chest to let him cry it out. Once the crying lessened, Dean pulled Sammy up to his feet and helped him get into the car and they headed back to the motel.

"Sammy, what were you thinking, running off like that? You could have gotten yourself killed." Dean didn't realize his voice was raising while scolding his younger sibling. Sam just sat there saying nothing. Dean was lost, he didn't know what to do. He wanted to understand what made his brother do that to himself. He knew his younger brother was depressed but never knew it was to the extent. Sam needed to open up and talk about it.

The entire car ride was silent until they gotten to the motel. Dean opened the door on Sam's side then put his arm around him as they walked back into the room. Sam sat down on the bed, looking at his hands, they were scrapped and bleeding after the fall he took. His older brother retrieved the first aid kit and a chair, bringing it with him then sat down to take a look at his brothers hands.

"I'm gonna have to clean the gravel out of those cuts, It might sting a bit." Dean face was mask with emotion, pain and fear. He used a wet cloth, cleaning Sam's hands then used an antiseptic spray, causing Sam to jump a bit and wince. "I know buddy, I know it hurts." Dean started to cry when he blew into Sammy's hands then he wrapped bandages around them to keep it clean. Dean sat quietly for a moment then spoke. "What happened Sammy?" Dean's voice broke, his younger brother could hear the emotions in his throat.

"Dean..I-" Sam couldn't speak, he didn't want to. He felt more tears coming down his cheeks, his eyes were puffy and red. He hated seeing the look in his older brothers eyes. The sadness. He wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole than to see the look Dean has right now. "I'm sorry Dean, I'm so sorry." Sam voice broke as he sobbed in his hands.

Dean put his hands on Sam's shoulder then ran his hand through his long hair. After a few minutes, Dean moved Sam's hands from his face, forcing him to look. "I don't hate you Sammy, I could never hate you. You may not want to talk about it, but I am here for you I do want to help, I want to understand." Dean grabbed some tissues and wiped his brothers eyes. Sam didn't know what to think anymore, His soul was torn, he felt broken.

"Why Sammy?" Sam looked at the fresh tears in Dean's green eyes then stared blankly at the wall behind him "It makes the pain go away, Where I don't have to think about it. It just leaks out where I can see it." More tears sprang from Sam's sad and tired eyes. Dean went quiet for a moment, He rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat. "You don't have to do this to yourself bro, I wished you had just came to me."

Dean noticed Sam's arm and the bandage, then realized it must have been from earlier. He closed his eyes and sighed before he spoke "Sammy, I need to look at your arm. I have to make sure you don't need stitches." Sam reluctantly nodded. His older brother pulled the bandages off and noticed three lines of cuts that Sam had made. Dean felt sick, the tears coming down his cheeks, he quickly wiped them away.

Noticing the cuts are still bleeding pretty badly, Sam would need stitches. "I'm gonna have to close that up." Sam pushed Dean's hand away and shook his head "No, Dean it will heal up, please, just leave it alone." Sam voice was breaking

"Sam, It's either me or the ER. I can't have my little brother bleed out like this please let me help you." Sam didn't want to go to another ER over cuts. It was embarrassing enough that Dean caught him but having to face alot of questions from doctors was something he didn't want to do. "Okay, You can fix it, I just don't want to face another hospital again."

Dean looked at his younger brother with alarm on his face "Wait. you've done this before?" He asked in a calm tone. Sam nodded was all he could do.

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**I hope everyone is enjoying this story so far. I can relate to what Sam feels, I know depression and Self-harm is not an easy thing to live with, and know what it's like to need someone to support you and help you fight through this darkness. Sam soon will reveal his darkest secrets to Dean in detail.**


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